its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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