if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
