You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
