Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
