Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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