My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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