I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
