I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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