I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
