I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
