Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I didn't shave. On purpose
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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