I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
