I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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