Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
do herpes really smell.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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