I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
