I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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