someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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