it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
