fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
