I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
