There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
