The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
