Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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