Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
