I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
