Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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