Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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