Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
