Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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