I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
