The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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