Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
