He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
