He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
