The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Can I color on your dick again?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
