More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
