I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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