sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
