just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i think i just lost a toe
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
