Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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