i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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