sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
