Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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