i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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