last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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