I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
