i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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