why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
