My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
