Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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