I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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